How often do you feel like you can let your guard down and just go? Let out feeling and emotions that you just bottle up and not feel ashamed and stupid about? I always thought that that is what you can do in a romantic relationship but lately I have begun thinking that one shouldn´t wait for that (if one is not in one), and maybe go more towards being vulnerable in more situations, letting it out in little pieces bit by bit?
I have a tendency to build up stuff that eats me up from the inside, and ignore them, not recognizing that they are there, inside. Then they build up and finally, something really small can send me off the edge to breakdown, anger, tears and self-hate. I have written about this self-harming behavior here before. It is worth considering in this case, as self-harm can take many more shapes and forms than the obvious forms, such as cutting.
When I was in college, my mentor sent me this video, about how being vulnerable is actually really good. When I watched it the first time, I cried and cried because I recognized how hard I was (and still am) on myself. I kept those high standards inside me, not wanting to show their negative effect on my thoughts toward myself. And I never ever showed how bad I sometimes felt inside and how much damage I would to myself by thinking in negative spirals.
The other day I watched the video again, and I teared up. When I am under much stress, I do still sometimes treat myself in that same way. With damaging words, locking myself up. It is more rarely now though, maybe because I am older, maybe because I have learned more about myself. That I do not know.
But I do know that letting those who love you see you vulnerable is friggin´ scary and you may not want to let all parts out because it is painful. I also know that those who love you will help you and support you, just the way you would if a friend opened up to you, right? So I think it is a good thing to open up, to different people, the ones you trust and confide in. Open up more for more people, it is powerful to be vulnerable.
And knowing that others deal with the same thoughts of insecurity will make you love them more.