I am currently in the process of moving to a new place, and with that comes the decision-making of what to bring and what to leave behind. Since I have lived long periods abroad, I have accumulated a lot of stuff in my parent´s attic that I am now going through. I am a bit of a hamster when it comes to things, and there are a lot papers, notes, and material that I have just packed down and saved for another day. A lot of it is fun stuff, kitchen stuff, old memories, pictures and books. I have laughed out load many times when finding treasures such as an old calender Maria made me when we were 17, texts from Caroline that I wrote down on pieces of paper, and random little elephants that I have collected since I was little.
But there´s also a lot of things that I do not enjoy going through, and that almost immediately goes back up to that attic. Things that makes me feel physically ill to go through. Not only is it a huge amount of things that I should just have tossed at the time, but there are things that reminds me of a time when I was in a mentally bad state. There are diaries from when I was 17-19 years old, a time that was (as it is for many people) overwhelming, new, scary AND developing.
During this time I had my first (and really only) longer relationship with somebody that I was in love with, somebody that threw away what we had when we broke up. (My first real relationship was great! But short.) After that I had a few short “relationships” without being committed to any of them. The last one being a person that actually treated me the best way I have ever been treated. I broke up with this person on the phone (yeah, I know, geezz), unable to listen to my feelings and hurting, I believe, both of us. After that I have been unable to go into a love relationship in a way that has been good for me.
I am also reminded of the straining time of belonging to an ongoing social situation that never made me feel at ease. During this time I was partly doing an excellent job, but it was overshadowed by not reaching my full potential because I was SCARED of doing something wrong/being judged by others because of the mentally of the people. I am not in touch with any of these people anymore, but it saddens me that I am still, at times, struggling with the same destructive and self-harming thoughts that was present a lot at this time.
So what do I want to say with this? That I hope to process this time in my life and move on even though my spirit is currently low. I know we learn from our mistakes, but how do I deal with the feelings I have when being reminded of this time in my life? Suppressing is never the answer, because sooner or later the feelings and thoughts will rise to the surface again.