Young Women Leaders

Cleaning out my closet

I am currently in the process of moving to a new place, and with that comes the decision-making of what to bring and what to leave behind. Since I have lived long periods abroad, I have accumulated a lot of stuff in my parent´s attic that I am now going through. I am a bit of a hamster when it comes to things, and there are a lot papers, notes, and material that I have just packed down and saved for another day. A lot of it is fun stuff, kitchen stuff, old memories, pictures and books. I have laughed out load many times when finding treasures such as an old calender Maria made me when we were 17, texts from Caroline that I wrote down on pieces of paper, and random little elephants that I have collected since I was little. 

But there´s also a lot of things that I do not enjoy going through, and that almost immediately goes back up to that attic. Things that makes me feel physically ill to go through. Not only is it a huge amount of things that I should just have tossed at the time, but there are things that reminds me of a time when I was in a mentally bad state. There are diaries from when I was 17-19 years old, a time that was (as it is for many people) overwhelming, new, scary AND developing. 

During this time I had my first (and really only) longer relationship with somebody that I was in love with, somebody that threw away what we had when we broke up. (My first real relationship was great! But short.) After that I had a few short “relationships” without being committed to any of them. The last one being a person that actually treated me the best way I have ever been treated. I broke up with this person on the phone (yeah, I know, geezz), unable to listen to my feelings and hurting, I believe, both of us. After that I have been unable to go into a love relationship in a way that has been good for me. 

I am also reminded of the straining time of belonging to an ongoing social situation that never made me feel at ease. During this time I was partly doing an excellent job, but it was overshadowed by not reaching my full potential because I was SCARED of doing something wrong/being judged by others because of the mentally of the people. I am not in touch with any of these people anymore, but it saddens me that I am still, at times, struggling with the same destructive and self-harming thoughts that was present a lot at this time. 

So what do I want to say with this? That I hope to process this time in my life and move on even though my spirit is currently low. I know we learn from our mistakes, but how do I deal with the feelings I have when being reminded of this time in my life? Suppressing is never the answer, because sooner or later the feelings and thoughts will rise to the surface again. 



Single Post Navigation

One thought on “Cleaning out my closet

  1. belinda on said:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: